“I’m an atheist.”
I remember the first time I actually said these words out
loud. January 3rd 2013.
I was visiting a Japanese temple along with a few Japanese people as the token
“gaijin” (foreigner). We were going to one of my favorite places and we were
walking along the main street with the other hundreds of people trying to
complete the annual “hatsumode” tradition within the first 3 days of the year.
Narita’s Omotesando (main street) never fails to both comfort and please me.
The smell of senbei, a slightly touristy vibe that’s somehow like Asakusa yet
distinctly different. One of the Japanese gentlemen in our group was walking
next to me, asking me the usual questions: Where are you from? How about
Japan (who taught this
question!?)? Can you eat Japanese food? On autopilot I answered these
questions, when out of the blue I was suddenly asked, “Are you Baptist or
Presbyterian?” I was completely flabbergasted. I’d not been asked about my
religion but a handful of times while in Japan, and even when living in the
buckle of the Bible Belt I’d never been asked that question. Usually it was
some other presumptuous question like “Which church do you go to?” Am I Baptist
or Presbyterian!? In my surprise I was able to spurt out an “uhhhh. I’m an
atheist”. His could even try to hide his surprise and disappointment. To find
out, no only did I not subscribe to either of those Christian groups, or even
Christianity itself, but I didn’t even believe in God!
If he was confused from his view, he would have exploded in
my head. I had surprised myself by my confession. I almost felt guilty as if I
had said something dirty. The word nearly felt shameful. It wasn’t just an
announcement to him, but an official one to myself. I had realized I had “lost
my faith” a while back, even before coming to Japan. Before coming here I was
at an “I don’t really like/agree with organized religion” stage. Being in Japan where most of the
population says they’re Buddhist but don’t actually believe or know anything
about it made me realize you don’t have to be Christian. It’s not a default
position and there’s no real reason for me to take it. Being away from the Bible Belt where
it’s just assumed that you’re a believer in Christ gave me the freedom to
discover what I truly believed or didn’t believe.
The reason I was prompted to write this post is because of
this video. I’ve heard from lots of people in the US, and of course other
places, who were ostracized from their families and communities for coming out
as atheists. I specifically point out the US, because one, that’s where I’m
from. And two, isn’t one of the founding principles freedom of/from religion?
Regardless of where it is, how can a parent reject their child because of their
lack of belief in a god? I can’t imagine how a parent can justify something
like that. If god by some chance does exist and judges us after death, how can
you think you’ll be granted a place in heaven after damning your own child on
earth? And if god did allow you into this heaven, why would you want to be
there worshipping someone who condoned such treatment.
I’ll tell you one of the first things that got me
questioning religion and god. I was taught that god is my “heavenly father” and
that he is the perfect father and that men should look to him as an example and
role model. But I couldn’t understand why he would damn homosexuals to an
eternity in hell based on who they loved. Why should you be sent to eternal
hellfire for love? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. And what made it worse
was that I knew that my imperfect dad would never reject me if I came out as a
lesbian. He would probably be disappointed and he’d wish it weren’t so. But I
knew he’d accept and love me and my partner. How can my dad be more loving than
an “all loving” god?
So, how did my family take it when I announced my atheism to
them? Well there was no formal announcement, because I didn’t think there
needed to be. It came out though and there was quite a reaction from my mom. My
mom is quite liberal and of her and my dad, I was least concerned about how
she’d take my discovery. My dad, a conservative who still identifies himself as
a Catholic despite not having been to a church as far as I can remember and was
actually baptized along with the rest of the family in another church, worried
me a little bit. But my mom? It didn’t even cross my mind that she’d care. But
after it was all said and done, I wondered how I couldn’t see her reaction
coming a mile away.
This is basically how it went down. I was telling her my
story about the Japanese man over Skype and when I got to the part “So I told him,
‘uh I’m an atheist” (a word that had gotten a bit more comfortable to say at
that point), when she blurted out “Wait! What!?” Taken aback (again), I managed
a confused “Huh?” This is how the rest of that conversation proceeded.
“What do you mean you’re an atheist?”
“I don’t believe in god?”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing tragic happened?”
“Huh?”
“You know, around here, usually when a person stops
believing in God, it’s because something tragic happened so they think that
there must be no god”
“No nothing tragic happened. I just got out of the mindset
that I have to believe in god. I started looking at things more critically, and
I realized I don’t believe in god. Not to say I believe there is no god, but I
don’t believe there is one.”
“Oh okay. Carry on.”
“What?” (I was still a bit confused at that point)
“I was worried something bad happened and you hadn’t told
me.”
My mom didn’t care about the atheism part so much as the
possibility that I may have been too ashamed or scared to tell her that
something had happened to me. So dramatic, mom. But in a way that makes me
realize how loved I am, and how amazing “imperfect earthly parents” can be. I haven’t spoken to my father directly
about this, but in the same way that I don’t talk to him about who I’m into or
if I drank too much on a Friday. He knows and it’s not like an elephant in the
room. But it’s not a topic of choice.
I’m really glad that I’m in Japan right now. I think many
Japanese people basically assume Westerners are Christians but they so rarely
ask about it or make any real judgments based on it. I very freely read the God
Delusion on trains and in cafes. I can talk about evolution or science related
articles with just about anyone without being told I’m buying into the science
community’s conspiracy to lead man away from God. These are all things that I
didn’t have the luxury of back in my hometown. I’d like to think that when I go
back, people will be respectful and accepting enough. I don’t think atheism
defines me, though I know sometimes society thinks it does. I just hope that
people don’t try to “save” me as they often did when they found I went to the
“wrong” Christian church. But judging from what I see online from the atheist
community and from the religious posts that pop up on my Facebook feed, I see
no reason to be going back to Texas anytime soon.
