Fifty Words Exactly

I happened across this Daily Post Challenge the other day and I quite liked the idea. So while waiting for my parents the other day, I wrote this down in my journal. I decided that it doesn't really meet the challenge unless I post it here though. So here it is - my fifty word blog post. 

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There's a big difference between "unrequited love" and mutually exchanged affection. Confessions take so much courage, but it's amazing how a confession can free feelings. Rejection to said confession frees those emotions, allowing them to dissipate and make room for new ones. Reciprocation allows them to blossom into something more. 

Understanding from a High Rise

I went to the 45th floor of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Office. As I looked out over the city, I felt a mixed sense of fear, loneliness, and luckiness. I seldom see Tokyo from above, and it's easy to forget that it's such a massive city. It's a city that houses about 9 million people just in the center and whose metro area is home to roughly 35 million people.

When you look out on the city, you don't see any of those millions of people. You see buildings.

Some interesting buildings.

Mostly boring ones.

Some famous buildings.

Mostly unknown ones.

Regardless of its traits, the fact remains that from above, Tokyo is an endless landscape of mainly anonymous buildings.

And somehow that scared me. And made me feel alone.

When I'm down in the city, I don't have that sense of fear. Though I still feel a bit lonely sometimes. There are so many people. So many people with no connection to me aside from the place we exist in at that moment. I don't know their names. I don't even take note of their faces. Neither do they me. It's a weird sense to be surrounded by people but feel alone.

So how do I survive this city of seeming solitude?

Why did I feel lucky looking out on such a place?

I have amazing people in my life. It's as simple as that.

Even in such a huge city where there are more strangers in a single day than people you'll know in your entire life, connections are made. People become friends. People fall in love. People start families. People become connected. And parts of those connections become tied to other people.

I used to think Tokyo was just a sea of people. But it's more like a web or net, isn't it? I may not be linked to you directly, but maybe I'm connected to someone who is. Or maybe I'm connected to someone who is connected to someone who is connected to you. Whatever the case may be, somehow we're all connected.

I've had moments of loneliness in Tokyo. But I know how lucky I am to have both found special people and to have been found. It amazes me to think that one lucky chance can bloom into something amazing. But it scares me to think that because of the sheer number of people and the annonimity that comes with it, the odds of those chances seem so low.

But I find it comforting to realize that a web of people increases those odds.

And I find it very fortunate that the odds were in my favor, and I've had that kind of chance.

Biting off more than I can chew: Nerikiri

o I got the wild idea to make nerikiri and shiro-an from scratch as a thank you gift the other day. Word of wisdom for you - if you get this urge, punch yourself in the face. It'll be less trouble and less of a mess. Between mashing beans and cooking water out of the goo and then trying to roll it into some shape, you're going to be spending a few hours on this. YouTube and the internet in general was my teacher and it did as well as it could. But patience is not a strong suit. Neither is general dexterity of my hands. I ended up being able to watch three movies while I boiled, smashed, squeezed, and rolled my sticky mess. I'm not sure if it came out how it was supposed to. It came out as I expected. Acceptable but embarrassingly bad.

Now all that complaining aside,

• Did I have fun? Yes.
• Would I do it again? Not by myself. 
• Would I do it with friends or in a workshop? In a heartbeat. 
• Was it well received and appreciated? I think so. 
• Was it worth it? Definitely.

"Just don't flaunt it in my face"

 woke up the other morning and groggily checked Facebook while waiting for my morning elixir (aka coffee) to brew and I came across George Takei's posting of the picture below. Now, I would guess that anyone could see that these signs were made to point out the absurdity of when people say these things to homosexuals buy directing them to heterosexuals.  But after reading the comments (I'm a glutton for punishment, obviously), it became glaringly apparent that people missed the point. But the one thing that really got on my nerves was how people kept saying "I don't care who you fuck - keep your sexuality in your bedroom" or "I agree that PDA is gross and no one should do it".  People seem to be under the impression that PDA is just playing tonsil hockey at the park or more. Yeah, maybe that should be kept a bit more private in general, but that could be the Japanese society wearing off on me. But as one of the good comments pointed out, every time you hold your partner's hand or give them a quick peck on the cheek, that's PDA. Freely talking about your recent engagement and showing people your wedding pictures could be seen as announcing and flaunting your sexuality, especially to those who can't.

Another comment that kept creeping up was "why do celebrities feel the need to come out publicly? I don't care" and "why aren't there any straight pride parades?" I'd like to hope that one day no one will care about other's sexuality at all. And that people will be able to comfortably live and love openly. But until that day, we need those in the public eye to set an example and to show people that it's okay. A celebrity "coming out" gives courage to the everyday people out there. It shows them that they're not alone. The same happens when people gather together and can openly show their support for one another, regardless of their sexuality. Hopefully the day will come when people don't need to publicly announce their sexuality, but until then, why don't you help the cause? Or at the very least, shut up and recognize that those who face unwarranted discrimination need to do things that those who are in a privileged position don't. 

And everyone should feel free to hold hands with the person they love.

My country?

About a year or so ago, I went on a couple dates with a Japanese guy who kept saying "In your country,...".

"In your country..."

"In your country..."

And it irritated me unto no end. Hence just a couple dates. One of the reasons is because I knew he wasn't interested in me as Neena - he was interested in me as an American. And I don't have time for that.

But the other day, one of my friends who is in the US for a work project emailed me saying "Neena, I'm in your country!". I was happy for him, naturally. But there was a twinge of something, not quite irritation, but something. And I'm next to positive my friend doesn't just think of me as some American, so why should it bother me?

I've thought about it for a few days now, and I'm sure it's because I don't feel such a strong connection with the US anymore. I haven't stepped foot on American soil since I left it in 2008 and everything I see about it in the news just angers me. (The news isn't exactly a full representation of the country, I know.) I have no real desire to go back anytime soon. And of course I am a US citizen and I don't feel shame in saying that. But it's not my home, and I also don't feel like it's my country.

I talked about this with another friend the other night, and he joked "You're basically Japanese!". I have found my place here, yes. And I'm comfortable here, but I'm also aware that Japan will never be my country either. And I'll be accepted as "basically Japanese" by my friends and maybe even a few others, but I'll always be "some American" or "the foreigner" to most people. Sometimes that makes me sad and sometimes a little angry. But it's a choice I've knowingly made, and one I'm okay with.

I'm from the US.
Japan is my home.
I have no country.
I am me.

2014 - 19 days in

o it's 2014. Another year. I always think "this is the year". Every January I say, "This is it. This is the year". For what exactly? I have no idea. And while it's always a year. I don't know that it's the year. But I guess that's mainly due to not knowing or defining what it is that makes a year the year.

This year I've set lots of little goals. Cook more. Drink more water. Eat out more. Make more time for myself and friends. Work smarter, not more. Try to catch up and keep up with photos and blogs.

And travel to Kyushu.

That must be it. This is the year for me to finally visit Kyushu.

The end of another year fast approaches

It's hard to believe how fast this year has gone by. And I'm not really sure what I did to pass it. Did I do anything significant? Did I accomplish anything? Did I learn anything? Did I experience anything new? Did I help anyone else? Did I give any significance to my existence?

I fear not. 

But what should I have done? I basically don't believe in having regrets. Obviously we have them and I've regretting doing or not doing something. But I always fight against that tendency to dwell on those. I think regrets should actually be treated at lessons or experience. So I ask what I should have done in order to determine what I should do from here on out.